A start...

Did u ever show any frustration or should I say BU GAN XIN to anyone?

I did. Today.


I showed it to my teacher today. NOT because I was frustrated about him. I am frustrated about myself and I am really BU GAN XIN. So much so that I dislike all about myself again.

I find that I wasn't as strict as what I have thought I would to myself. I am like giving myself some "LIVING WAYS". I shouldn't have done. I should have required alot more for myself. Alot alot more. I mean it. I have very very very big improvement like what my teacher has said. So much so that he was impressed but I still did not to get to play through certain assignement cause I apparently skipped it. Thinking it was repeat and there was a recap at the bottom, I simply skipped it. Due to that bloody thinking of mine, I was asked to repeat that assigment and what come after that. At that point of time, I was seriously so angry. So angry and frustrated about myself. I am starting to ask myself questions; "Why do I need to do all these all over again?", "Why am I doing this?" and alot of other "WHY"s...


I guessed I got the answer for all these WHYs...


The answer is "that's my choice, I made it, I am responsible for it"


I am not saying that just for the sake of saying all these to convince myself with all the rubbish work I have done. I am SERIOUSLY the one that choose to do this. I must be serious about it. I shouldn't give myself any chance to make any mistake. Absolute no chance at all. My way now is like training band, I was lenient to a certain point that there were alot of times, I never stop to fix some problem and let it off. Now I realized, I can't do that on myself AT ALL. I should just press myself further and ready to work for anything near perfection. A Real Perfection. I just realized how much I have lost myself through this period of time. I really must start to get real harsh on myself. REALLY HARSH!


"You are much smarter than a lot of students that I have," he continued. "You know what are the problems, You know you shouldn't do this and that but you never prevent it to happen."


That's why teacher said to me. I know all the problems and what are the do and don'ts but I just never do anything to prevent it. He said I realized the mistake very fast, I will just know all the mistakes that I have spotted way before he can tell me and sometimes more than he knows. I just not preventing all these problems from happening. Even if I know cannot do this and that, in the end I did and made a mistake. It is not too late to correct a mistake that made but I guess to make a mistake that I have practically and obviously known, I just can't forgive myself on that. Like what my teacher said about me later on, I was way too smart, that I would find the shortest and efficient way to achieve results. He said in this, there is nothing called shortcuts. Do it as it is.


After that, we moved on to the other part of the lesson. That one was crapped caused I was not used to the things I am using. It is just so irritating to get something I am not familiar with. I was so affected by it that I totally off focus from everything. EVERYTHING WAS NOT DONE WELL. I am very disappointed in myself for that. Of course all kinds of issue arised. All the technical problems just "BOMB" all appear. I am very irritated and really it was crapped. My teacher of course said alot of technical issues, compliments and mistakes. Nothing I can say about those, it was just my fault practically. Other than the technical issues, others that was needed to do was fine.


I really think I can't feel already. I just can't! I have lost my heart I guess. I am serious.


Where is all the emotion and feeling?!?!


After that lesson, I was so irritated and decided on alot of stuffs to correct myself and wanted to be as demanding as my teacher or at least MORE demanding to myself from now on..


Sometimes, when people in bad mood during down period. It is very very bad. Of course, after that I choose to go and cut hair and do abit of change just to mark this disappointed day down.
I did dye my hair again but this time round not as bright, just some darker goldish brown.



this is my new hairstyle and I look super fake with that smile I tried to squeeze out. don't mind that please... sorry for the blurness.. I accidently moved I guess..



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fredy's thought:

What can be prevented should be prevented, it will be too late when you make a mistake. Way too late...